So, the other morning I’m innocently sitting in my home office, trying to get through my 1000 emails (hmmm, thinking I may need to trim the ol’ blog list down), when I notice while looking out the window that there are a large amount of weeds popping out from behind a couple of the shrubs in my back flower bed. Now, I love that back flower bed because it contains seven different rose bushes, a lilac bush (that hates me and refuses to bloom), and some gorgeous scarlet wisteria that are also slow to bloom this year. It also contains some other plants, but those are my favorites. Considering the fact it’s been HOT AS FRICKIN’ HADES in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and at that point it was still early, I decide to go out and snag those few weeds before it gets too hot. No biggie, right? WRONG.
The first thing I notice is this:
Yep, a big fat wasps’ nest in the middle of one of my rose bushes. This, after the exterminators came out two weeks ago and did their thing, removing six wasp nests in the process. Okay, no biggie, mental note to call them to come out and remove the little buggers since that’s part of our agreement.
I’m weeding along, and disappear back behind two blue spruce bushes. I’m nearing the wisteria and notice that one of the tendrils is a little wonky-as in, growing into the spruce AND into another rose bush. I grab the tendril and start pulling it up onto a secure spot on the fence when I look up and not six inches from my face is this:
HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE EFFING HELL IS THAT?!?
Needless to say, I screamed like a four year old girl, loud enough in fact, to have my neighbor come out onto his back patio and ask if I was okay. Uh, no. I was back up against the opposite fence, scratching and itching because, although I was not getting close enough to take a really good shot, that is a two and a half inch (garden) spider in the above picture and they give me the heebie geebies! For the record, yes, I know that garden spiders are not the kind that eat your flesh or bite you and you die. Yeah, I know, I know. But here’s where the Sunday Confessional part comes in. See, I am deathly afraid of spiders bigger than a quarter, and I’m giving myself credit there. More like a dime, maybe a penny if I’ve had a drink, but not anything larger. This is due to the fact that when I was four my family lived in Great Falls, Montana and we lived next door to a boy named Bobby. Bobby was about eight years old, the devil incarnate, and loved to chase me and the other little girls in the neighborhood around and drop big fat spiders like this down the back of our shirts. So to this day, the thought of spiders gives me nightmares. And everyone knows it. When the movie Arachnophobia came out, my dad deceived me into watching it with him, and then lightly tickled my legs when the first spiders came on . Unfortunately for Dad, I punched him in the arm and ran screaming from the room. I think I itched and scratched for the rest of the night.
And you do know that feeling when I say itched and scratched, right? Like there are little (or big) spider legs crawling all over your skin? Okay, just checking. YUCK!!
So of course, after stumbling into the house, trying to avoid the piles of dog poop that I’ve failed to clean up in the lawn, I yell for my husband to get his butt up (he works nights) and fix the “problem”. Poor guy, he’s only been asleep for an hour or so, but he goes outside and here’s how the conversation goes:
J2: “So where is it?’
Me: “In the wisteria.”
J2: “Which one is the wisteria again?”
Me: (Me rolling my eyes) “The stuff climbing up the fence.”
J2: (looking at the three huge plants climbing up the fence)-”Uh, you’re going to have to help me out here.”
Me: (Reluctantly leaving the patio, dodging poop as I go and pointing from 15 feet away)- “Right there, that big ass web with the big ass spider in it-you know, with the really long legs and the yellow and orange body.”
J2: “Wow! How cool is that?!?”
Me: “Are you effing kidding me?!? Get rid of it!” (pretty sure I said the real word here, but keepin’ it PG)
J2: “No way, they’re good for the garden. You want it gone, you kill it.”
**Right here is where I debate how much a divorce would cost me, how much I like my house, my car, my flower bed…crap…the spider isn’t worth it***
J2: “Seriously, come take a look-it’s really cool.”
I inch closer…and closer…and then realize when I’m about ten feet away that it is pretty cool looking. And that it won’t eat me, just the nasty flies we’ve had issues with. And then I concede. But only to a certain extent.
Me: “So you’re going to weed the rest of the flower bed? Because I’m not.”
J2: “Nope, that’s still all yours.”
Looks like the flower bed will be full of weeds this summer…and my skin is crawling as I write this…
Til next time!